Ninth Stop: District, Danforth St

We had heard a rumor that the secret of the District's burger is that they mix butter into the meat to keep it moist no matter how it's ordered. In the world of burger blogging, this struck us as a very good thing. So, naturally, we had to include it as one of our targets.

The atmosphere couldn't be any better. Just as you wouldn't ever know it was a cool place from the outside, once you're inside, you pretty much forget where you are and what's going on in the outside world. It's like a little oasis of sophistication without being stuffy or pretentious or highbrow. The staff is delightful, accommodating, and most likely overworked, by the looks of it. The menu is pretty insanely impressive (with things like "Buffalo Chicken Livers with Blue Cheese"), and they serve food late night. Before our burgers, every one of us couldn't help but order the oysters that were on special and incredible tasting. Please, please, go eat there, regardless of the fact that you might be inclined not to after finishing this review.

We never confirmed that this butter rumor was true or untrue, however, the meal solidified that there are a lot of good things going on with this burger. The meat was decidedly high quality and had good flavor. The bun was a buttery brioche that practically melted into the meat, and the toppings weren't overdone with anything more than lettuce, tomato, bacon, and a roasted red pepper spread that was practically tasteless. So all the elements of a 5 star burger were there. They stocked the kitchen thoughtfully and skillfully with everything it takes to make the perfect burger. Then, the meat hit the grill, and, sparing no cliche, shit hit the fan.

We all ordered our burgers medium or medium-rare. They all came back burnt on the outside and, for the most part, well-done on the inside. The first bites told it all. We all had little praise for the cooking job, even though we were trying to be generous and optimistic, since we were really having a good time otherwise. We even had an unfinished burger left by a fellow who, well, finishes everything, always. When asked why, his response was: "It tasted like burning. My medium-rare showed up as a hockey puck." It was ultimately disappointing to have this final, yet important, step ruin what could have been a very excellent thing.

What more can be said? There's little that can be done to save an experience like this, aside from going back, crossing your fingers, and hoping you get a different grill chef.

Scores out of 100

Taste: 63

Atmosphere: 97

Overall Experience: 77

Eigth Stop: The Great Lost Bear, Forest Ave

We had to go here because it had won the very serious award of "Best Burger" by the Portland Pheonix. You know that we members of Brilliant Burgers do not take this title lightly, and we're bound to need to cast our own opinion. Unfortunately, it did not win the same award from us.

Going to the Great Lost Bear is never a wasted trip, and we're always pretty much satisfied from the second we sit down because, let's face it, they have the best selection of beer you can ask for. So far be it for us to complain too much. But the food and the service seemed to be a little hit or miss. Some of our burgers were cooked perfectly to order, some were so dry it was chewing on an old flannel shirt sleeve. Sometimes our waitress smiled, sometimes she seemed a little pissed that we were there. Any changes that were made to the basic menu items were really not handled with any sort of ease. The Super Burger was kind of hard to eat, sloppy and messy. There was no yellow mustard available in the whole restaurant. There was no onion, lettuce, tomato served on the burgers. Also, there was no option of onion rings (now we're just being picky, but hey.)

The worst part of the whole experience was that they refuse to separate the check. Which, on one hand, I get, but on the other hand...we did prep her as soon as we ordered our first drink, and the fact that she was completely unable to work with us at all (like so many waitstaff members have been overly kind about) made for the most terrible experience for us at the end of the meal. We had not had the most amazing meal, and having to spend so long deliberating over who had what definitely did not help the cause.

Ok, now that that's out, there were some good parts. The meat that was tender enough to enjoy was seasoned really well, and the menu options for burgers are fantastic. Nice bacon. Soft, runny yolk eggs, and even a burger sandwiched between two grilled cheese sandwiches. I can forgive them for our below-par experience because I think the potential is there. There were enough signs that this place could deliver a good burger experience to give it a second shot. But if you do, please heed the following advice. Go with a very small group, 4 or less, and don't expect to split checks. Ask for your burger by color. Like, "I'd like mine bright pink in the middle." Don't expect them to make exceptions for you. And make sure you take advantage of the fabulous beer selection, so that even if the kitchen is having an off day, you're bound to leave there a little happier than when you went in.

Scores out of 100

Taste: 70

Atmosphere: 78

Overall Experience: 70

Seventh Stop: The Blue Spoon, East End, Congress Street.

You know when you find something that was exactly what you were looking for all along, but you didn't even know it? I think that explains our experience at The Blue Spoon. We realized that there's a way to serve a gourmet burger that's not fancy or upscale, and Blue Spoon embodies that idea.

This place is small, and it made us nervous. We even managed to wipe out their entire selection of Spring Peeper Ale within our first two rounds of ordering drinks. However, despite the obvious fact that our 8 person party was dominating the very small 20(?) person capacity room, our waitress was cool and underwhelmed, and the food...oh the food.

The burger is $10 and that seems like a steal for how good this was. The ingredients taste and look like they have a full farm in the back that they use at their disposal. The patties are hand-formed, no standard disks here, and perfectly cooked, with a delicious char, but still incredibly juicy and actually dripping (in just the right way.) The toppings were simple, but perfect. Tomatoes that were thick and came in all colors, purple, yellow, red; lettuce and onion, with the option to add bacon and/or cheese. (These do cost extra.) And on the side, a potato salad that's served warm and filled with dill, and couldn't be a better completion for this "casual" meal. One of our Burger Beasts made note, "The chef is a burger Sensei."

In reading this over, I feel inadequate in explaining the quality of this meal, but let the simplicity of the description entice you rather than bore you--I'm now a believer that this is the way a burger is supposed to taste. If you still have doubts, read on to the scoring section.

So, although the intimate size of the place, and the dim nearly candlelit atmosphere was a little intimidating for our large crowd, the experience was ultimately comfortable. The energy there was casual, and we didn't find ourself at all out of place. And most importantly, if this is their execution of pub food, we were all in agreement that it is definitely worth exploring the rest of this little place's menu.

Scores out of 100

Taste: 95

Atmosphere: 93

Overall Experience: 98

Sixth Stop: Rosie's, Fore Street

I think for those of us living (as opposed to "summering") in the Portland area in 2010 it's damn near impossible not to once in a while get a bit annoyed with the rapid epicurism that has somehow begun to dominate this working class city. All of the sudden, I realize that I've officially seen "Truffle Ketchup" on more menus than not. Apparently, extra fancy no longer scratches our itch.

Now, overall, this is a good thing. We have pushed ourselves onto the culinary map throughout the country, stimulating articles from the New York Times, visits from the Food Network, Oprah mentions, all of which lend to the incredible tourism business that keeps our city alive and thriving. But sometimes, you just want a place where extra fancy ketchup is still the most upscale thing on the menu.

Enter Rosie's Restaurant.

The outside of the building, which is so far from flashy that I had driven by it everyday to work and never actually seen it, touts their logo, which is slightly reminiscent of a tattoo someone once got of an ex-girlfriend. The inside of the building is dark and homey, the kind of place you feel like you could slip into at 11 am and forget to leave, and that would be ok. The service is lovely, but not in a showy way. Our waitresses were sweet and familiar and brought us what we needed and left us alone when it was right to do so.

There's really very little to say about the burgers, but this may not be a bad thing either. The food was unmemorable for the most part, with some exceptions (one member had a great local veggie burger with loads of guacamole, and the onion rings were spot on). Everything was cooked right, tasted homemade, well executed but boring. If this is actually a possible phrase, it was all overwhelmingly unpretentious. If you've been to Ruski's in the West end, which we just might frequent more than any restaurant in Portland, and you like it, I have a feeling this will tickle your fancy as well. If they were related (and I'm making NO claims that they are affiliated in any way), Rosie's would be Ruski's (younger? older?) sister, who, despite her fancy urban location, has kept her simple family roots pure and true. It's unintimidating and an easy place to wind up at again.

Rosie's, thank you for being what you are. For weathering the culinary tornado that Fore Street and the surrounding areas have become and standing strong with your conviction that it's still ok to serve PBR pounders, onion rings, and burgers without truffle ketchup.

Scores out of 100

Taste: 67

Atmosphere: 77

Overall Experience: 73

Fifth Stop: Bull Feeney's, Fore Street

I'll admit, we consigned to going to Bull Feeney's with the notion that it was "just a bar" that would have no culinary redemption...and were proven wrong to the fullest extent. Here are a couple of quotes that sum up the night.

"Getting a good lamb burger is hard enough to find. Getting a good lamb burger, perfectly cooked with goat cheese is damn near impossible. Not so tonight."

"Who knew lamb would work so perfectly in a burger--a triumph."

"Good service, burger was cooked to perfection...Fan-frickin-tastic."

"I would eat it again. And probably will."

So, as you gather, there's a lamb burger option. The only other option is the regular beef burger, and they're very simple--served with just lettuce, tomato, onion (and a choice of cheese). I have to admit, I sometimes get a bit panicky when there's nothing else topping it...just those basics don't allow much for a bad burger to hide under. However, this burger was so good that I would have eaten it alone with just a fork. The meat itself, both the beef and lamb, was seasoned perfectly, not eclectically, just perfectly.

The meat was also cooked exactly the way we wanted it, for 8/9 of us. Now, to address this point while we're on it, it occurred to us that we ARE asking quite a bit of any kitchen to all order burgers and expect them to come out at the same time being perfectly cooked to our individual specifications, and I started feeling a bit of guilt about this...until we realized that a GOOD kitchen can do this. Bull Feeney's proved that they are one of these good kitchens.

The service was totally up to par with any 'good service' expectation-nothing fancy, just fast and reliable and correct when the bill came. The atmosphere is great, bar-ish downstairs, but classy-ish upstairs, and lots of room for us to have a relaxing experience.

There are, always, some downsides, one which should be mentioned. Namely, the price of the burger (which is either $8.50 or $9.50) does not encompass fries (or cheese, if I'm remembering right...). This makes for a sort of expensive meal, when you compare to other places. The fries were a little stingy, considering they're an additional $1.95, but you can have regular or sweet potato fries, which is cool, and the honey mustard is great, as well as the curry mayo dipping sauce.

All in all, Bull Feeney's, I owe you an apology. I'll never underestimate your ability to fill our stomachs with a delicious meal along with some great beers. (Some really good ones, which, I forgot to mention, were on special for $3. A fact that does nothing to hurt that overall score.)

Scores out of 100

Taste: 80

Atmosphere: 89

Overall Experience: 82

Fourth Stop: Nosh, Congress Street Portland

First off, if you haven't visited this new casual restaurant/high class sandwich shop (in the old White Heart space), do yourself a favor and make your way over there. We had a great night.

The setup is really cool, with tables and a bar (serving fantastic beers, by the way) on the outskirts of the big garage-type room, and directly in front of you while you're walking in is where the magic of the sandwich making happens. It's one guy (the owner), behind a low counter preparing any number of incredible concoctions. To give credit where it's due, I did see a couple other people in chef clothing walking out from the back, so I'm sure there are several talented people actually making it all happen. It happened to be warm out when we went, so they had opened up the entire Congress St. facing wall, and there were several couches for lounging that made it feel like you're just hanging out on the street.

As stated above, this is mostly a restaurant for sandwiches. But not your typical blt or turkey swiss, these are more like "Pig Belly Reuben" or the "Local One" (grilled, marinated & pickled vegetables, goat cheese, romesco sauce...). You get the idea. It's creative without being snobby, interesting without being disgusting. I'm dying to go back to try every one of the sandwiches.

I'm not, however, dying to go back and get a burger. I think I've given enough praise to let people know that this place has got it together. I approve. Two thumbs up. But although it may be the coolest place in the neighborhood, it's not THE place to go for a burger. There are three options: The Nosh Burger (thick-cut bacon, blue cheese, fried egg, garlic jam), the basic cheese burger, and...wait for it...the $20 Apocalypse Now Burger (I can't even try to remember what's on it...it's pork belly instead of a burger patty, foie gras, bacon, and macerated cherries and oranges...I do remember that much.) They sound amazing, right?

The toppings are super well selected and executed, but the burger itself was kind of an afterthought. It's apparently a combination of beef and pork, so rare isn't an option; if it were, it may have been impossible to cook it that way because the patty is super thin--barely even room for two colors (preferably pink would be one). The consensus was "we need more burger." There was also some sort of spice mix added in the meat, which was a little too particular a taste to put in something so universal. Thyme? Rosemary? The quote to sum up the burger was "the flavors (toppings and spices) should add to the meat, not try and hide it." The burger just kind of sat below all those toppings like a younger, less cool sibling trying to tag along with the more mature, cooler bacon, blue cheese, egg, and garlic jam.

The burgers don't come with fries, but you can get them additionally, and they're cool, like Duckfat cool. They come in 3 flavors: Bacon Dusted, Salt and Pepper, and Salt and Vinegar, and come with the ever popular dipping sauces such as truffle ketchup, horseradish, and cheddar cheese. Which, I can't go without saying, is fantastic and tastes like mac & cheese sauce. I would have eaten anything dipped in that.

And to answer the burning question, yes, we had a super-macho member order the Apocalypse Now burger. I think the opinion was that yeah, it was good, but not 20-dollars-good. However, whatever he lost in cash, he gained in respect from the rest of us for ordering it.

Again, the atmosphere was super hip. The beer was a great Maine selection. Here's where we give a shoutout to the Maine Beer Co. which was being featured that night with it's Spring Peeper. Super. And we rarely see it out at the bars, so cheers to Nosh for having it. They had "the best beer selection we've had" since our quest began. No, it's not a quest for the best beer, but it definitely helps to boost up that "Overall Experience" score at the end of the night...

Scores out of 100

Taste: 68

Atmosphere: 85

Overall Experience: 85

Third Stop: Frog and Turtle, Westbrook

A few of us had been here before and thought the service was a little lacking...but we went back for burgers anyway for one reason: the food was really good.

That being said--The service this time was absolutely ATROCIOUS. Shockingly so. We had made a reservation, and when we showed up, the restaurant was about half full, and we sat right down. From there, we sat at our table for about 20 minutes without one single staff member saying a word to us--or making eye contact at all, for that matter. Which was annoying to us, but more of a disservice to them, because we could have (and would have) consumed about 15 drinks together in the time we were waiting for anyone to come take our order. After a little bit, we decided to just get up ourselves and get our own drinks at the bar. (The bartender, it should be said, was very accommodating and ended up hustling a lot to make up for the understaffed service team.)

Finally, our waiter came over. (Who, it should also be said, was incredibly nice...I certainly won't attack his personal character. He was totally overwhelmed and the service issues weren't entirely his fault. These seemed intrinsic to the actual management of the restaurant.) We ordered some more drinks (1/2 of which didn't come, 1/2 of which were incorrect), and we decided to order our food right away, since we knew it was bound to take forever.

The burger selection is al la carte for the most part, and when the basic burger starts at $10 and the toppings are $.50-$1 each, it's easy to spend some loot. They do have interesting ingredients (fried egg, local goat cheese, pepperoni, various sauces) and you can choose fries or onion rings included in that price. We ordered.

Then, we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

We were out for burgers and beers. And we were there for just shy of 3 hours.

By the time the food came, I personally didn't even care if it was a burger from McDonald's. We were starving. (Although they did bring us bread, which was kind.) For me, the food was o.k. The onion rings were floppy and tasteless, the burger was (for all it's impressive toppings) not that interesting and messy. For others, the food was real good. The meat was cooked well for most of us, the sauces (which you pay for separately) were really delicious, the krinkle-cut fries were a "pleasant surprise" and the homemade pickles were incredible. In fact, it was said that they were "the highlight of the whole place which was a bit of a disappointment."

And then, the bill. Our waiter (who, may I say again, was a very nice person), seemed to not be paying attention to anything that had happened all night. The drinks were incorrect, we were charged for some that were "given" to us because they were poured wrong for other tables, we were overcharged for some of the food; he ended up printing 4 "drafts" of our bill before we finally just signed and left, wanting to go home and go to bed. The poor guy. He was trying, he really was. And if it were just this one time that the service team had an "off night", I could have gotten over it easier. But this is the 4th (and last) time I'd given it a shot, and each time I'd gotten apologies from the staff about how "slammed" they were...even though some of the tables were empty.

So, unless you have a LOT of catching up to do with an old friend...or a really good date you just want to drag out...or just a whole lot of time to kill before you catch a plane...there are just too many good restaurants in this state to bother with this one.

Scores out of 100

Taste: 74

Atmosphere: 54

Overall Experience: 54